According to my Animal Trading Cards flamingos are some sort of bird or possible a type of duck. They are pink because that is a very trendy color.

By: Mike Jones

Agra, India-
Enraged pink flamingos under the control of the nefarious voodoo warlord Johnny Cakes have now reached the Taj Mahal.
In recent weeks the flamingos have been attacking areas of strategic importance and monuments worldwide. 
Indian officials are concerned that the flamingos will “crap on all  of our nice stuff,” said Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.  “So far the flamingos have just been sitting around making a lot noise and shedding pink feathers everywhere.  It’s really annoying.  They haven’t done anything yet, but you can see it in their eyes, they looked enraged.”
India is considering joining an international coalition to stop the advance of the Flamingos, led by Ted Nugent.  Commenting via CB radio Nugent said he was not sure but he believed that the flamingos “might be tasty.”
If India joins, the coalition will include every nation occupied by the Flamingos except for France; who surrendered immediately.  
At an ongoing press conference regarding the flamingo invasion Johnny Cakes said, “Mua ha ha ha ha ha ...”
One member of the press commented on conditions of anonymity that “So far it is not clear what he [Johnny Cakes] wants.  He has just been up on that podium laughing maniacally for about two days now.”
Reports at the event have gotten so bored that they have resorted to attempting to interview the enraged flamingos which have cost news networks an estimated $4,500 in replacing “soiled” shoes.  

By: Mike Jones

Long Island Iced Tea Island-
Long Island Iced Tea Island- Editors at the Long Island Iced Tea Island Gazette are reporting that today is a particularly slow news day but that reporters “had damned well better turn something in if they wanted to keep their jobs.”  
Usually on slow news days the newspaper just reruns an old article about kittens enjoying brightly colored yarn.  But, the file that contained that story was accidently deleted last night by an employee trying to cover of up the fact that he was looking at a website dedicated to showing pictures of large women dressed as conquistadors.  While looking at the site he mistakenly downloaded a virus.  Then, in a frantic attempt to eliminate the virus most of the articles saved on the computer were also erased. 
The accused employee wishes to remain anonymous for fear of being teased, but is totally Fred Johnson in accounting. 
Attempts by other reporters to “create” news have so far been unsuccessful.  One team, team turkey, attempted to cause a major traffic jam by crashing their car on the way to work.  They were, however, unsuccessful because they ran out of gas right after leaving their driveway.  Another reporter was sent out to do an interview with the lava monster that lives in the Long Island Iced Tea Island Volcano, but has not been heard from since he left a few weeks ago.
If this news shortage continues it is speculated that reporters will resort to heavier drinking at work than usual. 
And with this sentence the article should be long enough to fill up all the space my boss wanted. 

By: Drew Peacock

Members of local bathroom humor band Johnny Cakes and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypso were nearly arrested last night for urinating on an audience member.  The victim, however, has refused to press charges because he claimed that the band was only trying to help ease his suffering after a close encounter with Jellyfish Dancers.  “Had it not been for that golden shower,” said the man who refused to be indentified out of embarrassment “I could have gone into anaphylactic shock.  And I’m pretty sure that’s the bad kind of shock.”

Drew “Fancy Pants” Smith stars in box office failure Johnny Cakes II.

By: Livingston Dagger

Shipwreck Cove-
Three weeks after its theatrical release the much anticipated sequel to the critically acclaimed movie Johnny Cakes and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypso, Johnny Cakes and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypso II:  The Return of Johnny Cakes and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypso has only managed to make $6.23 at the box office so far.
One potential explanation for such low ticket sales is that the film is only shown in one location:  The Shipwreck Cove Sail-in Theatre.  Although the theatre is a world popular destination, very few sailors are actually able to make it close enough to purchase tickets which are only $7.00. Most end up sinking their ship and drowning their entire crew.
Another factor contributing to the lack of revenue may be that the Shipwreck Cove Sail-in Theatre also accepts “Tales of Adventure” as a valid form of payment.
Analysts had expected the movie to be more lucrative based on early reviews from kidnapped movie critics. 
Despite the low revenue executives at Gutter Calypso studios are optimistic about the films earnings.  “The whole movie only cost us $3.50 to make, so we have almost doubled our investment,”  said Gutter Calypso Executive Sally Fundabanger.